Six Ways to Know the Conversation is Over

In important relationships, with your significant other, your parent or your child, your sibling or your best friend, do you know when your words are falling on deaf ears, when it’s time to leave things alone, at least for the moment, and walk away?

After many years of trying, I have figured it out: Here are six ways to know when the conversation is over.

1.   When one or both of you get defensive.

Once one of you gets defensive, there is no longer any real listening—if the speaker is the one getting defensive, they may not even hear their own words! Whatever the original topic may have been gets hijacked by the need to defend and make excuses. And the defensiveness means there is no accountability. Think of the difference between hearing a bunch of excuses and simple, straightforward, accountability: “You’re right. I didn’t _______. I will try not to do that again.” Or, “I get it. I did ___________ instead of _______. I’m sorry.”

Unfortunately, I have decided that a consistent lack of accountability equates to some form of dysfunction, whether it is mental illness or addiction or both. I don’t overly concern myself with what form of mental illness—I’m not a licensed mental health professional—I just suppose there is something that is causing persistent dysfunction and, therefore, I need to move on from that relationship.

2.   When one or both of you get angry—and that anger boils over into acting out.

Not all expressions of anger are acting out. But when either of you raise your voice, or make personal attacks, even those disguised as “helpful” feedback, heated words may follow; those heated words are generally not helpful to the, uh, discussion.

And whether you or your relation is triggered by raised voices, higher volume may indicate that it is time to call a time out.

What’s a time out?

A time out must be understood and agreed upon ahead of time. It must be clearly defined, with a beginning, a middle, and an end, so that it is not confused with the silent treatment. A time out can be declared by either party. It is most often used in an intimate relationship—because that’s the place where at least one of us is more likely to get heated and act out. It can be declared with a hand signal that makes the letter “T” or by the words “time out.” Once you or your partner has done this a few times, it will be easy to establish—and easy to use.

A time out in an intimate partnership does not usually last more than 24 hours. Anything longer can look, act, and feel, like the silent treatment. If either of you ever experienced the silent treatment from a parent as a child, you will become quite anxious if the time out does not follow predictable rules. A child cannot tolerate the rejection and annihilation of identity that the silent treatment creates—which is why, unfortunately, it is so effective, albeit not in any recommended way.

Either partner can check in during the 24 hours to see if the other partner is ready to meet to discuss the event that caused the need for the time out. Only in the case of a truly upsetting event can the time out go beyond the 24 hours. In such a case, professional help may be required.

It is time to meet when both partners can speak more or less calmly about the event that required a time out. A time out is designed to halt the action before words get too heated or actions can get out of hand. So if words start to get heated or actions seem on the verge of getting out of hand, it is time to call another time out. If you can’t discuss things calmly, again, the help of a therapist of counselor may be needed.

3.       Sometimes, the conversation is over when one of you starts to cry. If you both cry, that might actually be a good thing! It may be that one of you is—or even both of you are—willing to experience vulnerability and the tender feelings of hurt or empathy or regret that could actually bring you closer.

When one of you starts to cry, and the person crying seems unable to clearly express themselves, it may be that the conversation has to resume at another time, when both parties can be calm enough to express themselves.

If one of you starts to cry, and the other is still quite angry, the conversation again may need to resume at another time. I know, for me, if I am attempting to explain why I am angry, and the person I am speaking with begins to cry, I may think that their tears are a defense. I may have to resume my bid for redress another time. If the other person consistently cries when I bring up that subject, or similar subjects, I may feel that they are unable or unwilling to have a direct discussion about the problem. In time, I may decide that whatever type of event, arrangement, or agreement triggered the problem in the first place is not something I can enter into with them again.

This type of situation has happened a number of times for me when I am dealing with another woman, I am being direct about what I do and do not want, and the woman seems unable to be direct about what it is she wants. In one situation, a woman and I had partnered to create an event. The event was not well-attended. I was funding it and it wasn’t paying for itself. Every time I brought this up, she cried. I would back down. I’m afraid I allowed the event to occur a few more times—at my expense. Crying or no crying, I needed to pull the plug on the event, which I eventually did.

4.   The conversation may be over when you have tried your hardest to express the issue and you begin to feel like you need visual aids—or even hand signals. I once knew a woman who would say, “Once you have to get out the charts and graphs, the conversation is over.” If the other person is unable to understand what I am talking about, I am tempted to explain, over and over, and think that if only I had some visual aids--. At that point, I have to suppose that the other person either is unable to understand what I am saying because the concepts are foreign to them, or they are unwilling to admit to understanding what I am saying. In either case, the conversation is over.

I recently had this happen and although I really wanted the other person to understand what I was saying, I had to walk away, knowing I left them at worst, puzzled and confused, at best (?) stubborn and defended.

At that point, it wasn’t my problem.

5.   The conversation you are trying to have doesn’t survive the listener’s attempts to change the subject. This is a passive aggressive technique that is called switchtracking. It goes something like this:

Me: I don’t think we were able to resolve x issue. I would like to do y to resolve the issue—that would work for me. How do you feel about that? And what would you like to do?

The other person: You always want to do y!

Or: The last time I brought it up, you didn’t want to do y!

Or: You just want your way!

Or: I don’t think we need to do y—I don’t think we need to do anything.

In other words, the other person brings up anything to avoid actually talking about what you are trying to talk about.

To learn more about switchtracking, listen to the first episode of the podcast, “Hidden Brain” by Shankar Vedantam.

6.   The conversation is over… because the listener performs what I call, The Great Smack Down.

“Did you notice how anxious Carol was last night when she was making dinner?”

“Carol wasn’t anxious.”

Or, “Did you notice how expensive gas has gotten?”

“Gas isn’t any more expensive now than it has ever been.”

Or, “Isn’t it nice to have things getting green again?”

“Well, when I look outside, it’s as brown as it always is.”

In one relationship I was in, this behavior on the part of my boyfriend showed up late in the game. At first he was curious: “Really? Carol was anxious?” I remember saying, “Yeah, she was whispering frantically to Joe (Carol and Joe aren’t their real names) things like, ‘You know I never made this before!’ And, ‘You know I always burn the chicken!!’ Joe seemed to be reassuring her.”  

Back then, he might’ve answered, “I didn’t notice.” But toward the end of our time together, he would simply deny and dismiss. It hadn’t happened, or it wasn’t so.

At first I argued. “Sure, didn’t you see that?” Later, I absorbed the shock I had because of his reaction. I felt it—and I stopped talking. If he wasn’t going to pick up what I put down, as they say, then, so be it. I could let the conversation end there.

Now I know that was the beginning of what might have turned into psychological abuse. I say, “black,” you say, “white.” Not making an effort at finding common ground, not making an effort to bridge the gap by being curious or expressing interest, these are the signs of a troubled relationship.

7.   The conversation may be over because the relationship itself is over. One of my spiritual teachers was the late Leland Kaiser. He once said, “Once you are walking on eggshells, the relationship is over.” What he meant was that once you are avoiding talking about something to your partner or family member or friend, or using tremendous care to talk about something, the relationship is probably past the point of resuscitation. Yes, we need to be diplomatic but if we can’t easily broach a subject—and have the listener fairly easily understand what we are saying—the relationship is probably done.

I look back and I think this has happened with each of my relationships. There came a point when I found myself no longer bringing up the things that were important to me. So the relationships themselves began to wither and die and were no longer relevant to me.

As we learn to stop talking when there is no longer listening for what we have to say, we will also tend to stop engaging to the point of conflict. This, in turn, can allow any inner peace we have cultivated through spiritual pursuits such as yoga, tai chi, and meditation, or through our loves, of music, reading, motorcycles, gardening, or whatever our personal interests are, to come to the fore. We can literally stop engaging in those things that interfere with peace and contentment, and make a stronger commitment to our own well-being. In time, the conversations we have with those we care about will become more productive or the conversations will stop occurring and the relationships will fall away.

So learning to stop talking when the conversation is no longer happening, when there is simply talking—and talking into a void—can be the key to having richer, more successful relationships, deepening wisdom, and greater peace  in our lives.